Day 7

This is from so long ago, Before I got sick.

look at all my hair.

omg I miss it.

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania is hair loss from compulsive pulling or twisting of the hair until it breaks off.

• it is a compulsive behaviour
• may affect 4% of the population, and women are four times as likely to be affected than men
• symptoms usually begin before age 17
• the hair may come out in round patches or across the scalp
• the person may pluck other hairy areas, such as the eyebrows, eyelashes, or body hair.

These symptoms are usually seen in children:

• An uneven appearance to the hair

• Bare patches or all around (diffuse) loss of hair

• Bowel blockage (obstruction) if people eat the hair they pull out

• Constant tugging, pulling, or twisting of hair

• Denying the hair pulling

• Hair regrowth that feels like stubble in the bare spots

• Increasing sense of tension before the hair pulling

• Other self-injury behaviors

• Sense of relief, pleasure, or gratification after the hair pulling

Psychological treatment can include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and psychotropic medications. Young children tend to outgrow the behaviour.

I did see it, yes, but it’s possible it only shows up on master blog dashboards?  I’m not sure.

I’m publishing this since I think it might be useful to others who are considering T and worried about hair loss.

Fingers crossed that procedure isn’t too expensive for him.  I might just be joining him, if I do end up showing signs of balding on T.

i went to target today to buy a swimsuit and sunglasses for the camp which i’m going to tomorrow, and it did not go so well. it started off with me trying on sunglasses and seeing a) my face and b) my hair in the mirror. i decided to just not get any sunglasses and skip to the swimsuits. i grabbed a few smalls and went to the dressing room to try them on. the bottoms of the first suit i tried on were too small, so i looked in the mirror to see how the top fit. i am so HUGE, really. i think it’s slowly crept up on me, but i am so massive, i don’t even know how i’m living with myself right now. i finally found a semi-okay looking swimsuit, but i’ll probably just swim in a tee shirt, because i honestly should not be displaying  my body at all. i got really frustrated and upset, because my hair is suddenly falling out in massive quantities again, and i can notice a difference in just one day, and i’m getting so fat i don’t even know where to start. ever since my eating disorder, i can’t tell when i’m hungry, so i just eat the same scheduled meals, and i’m scared that if i skip something, i’ll miss out on some nutrient or something and my hair will get worse. the texture of my hair is completely RUINED. i’m not sure if it’s from me using those harsh shampoos, or if that just happens when you lose hair, but it’s so awful, and i hate leaving the house sometimes. as we were leaving target, i was trying not to cry, and i was being kind of snappy, and my mom told me to stop being so mean because i was “disappointed in myself” and that just made me even more sad. when i got home, brooke sent me some photos and videos from when we did gymnastics together, and they were so cute, but made me so sad. i looked so happy and carefree, and i wish i could go back to that time. i don’t want to care about my hair anymore, but i want the problem to RESOLVE. i’m terrified that if i don’t care, pay attention, and take preventive measures, my hair will get worse. it’s a catch 22.

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So I got to work…after wearing my hair down it looked like someone had rubbed a shedding cat all over my clothes. Mitchel, my coworker wasn’t wearing his glasses and asked did I get a cat. Mom walks over and starts picking my hair off my shirt saying no, its not a cat…its just her hair. “honey you should really look into getting a wig, this is just awful.” 

Yep, that was devastating. My own mother said that to me today! She knows I’m pretty upset…like i tear up when i put my pony tail up and end up with a wad of hair in my hand. I couldn’t take anymore at work so I just left and went to my grannys house. She insisted we go shopping which of course makes me feel great, especially sense she bought it. Never mind the fact that it was a mega-oldfart store full of old farts she went to church with. lol 

So I get home and it settles in…something else my mom said trying to repair what she had said earlier.

Mom: “All sorts of women loose their hair to chemo and no one would ever know the difference unless they told you their wearing a wig. Lots of men can love a bald woman, hair isn’t everything”.

—I know she meant this the best way possible but really.

Me: “Yeah mom, the guy who already doesn’t want to marry me is totally gonna dig the fact that I’m going bald…oh and I’ll probably have breast cancer and loose my tits too sense our family has it so bad…oh and my lady parts don’t even work…I cant even give him a fucking child! I’m a defective woman, unless the man is into asses, doesn’t care about looks, doesn’t care that my health is deteriorating right in front of him, doesn’t want kids. I’m Irish, luck isn’t on my side here….”

mom: “why cant you get plastic boobies and a wig…he doesnt want kids and if he cared about looks that much he wouldnt be dating you.”

Me: “gee thanks. lol”

I sabotaged my diet today…i was starving because i was suppose to get lunch at work but never got it due to serious issues with equipment. I went to la carretta and that was the best fucking enchilada in the entire world. I had chicken and a cheese one. I also had like a basket of chips and salsa. I guess we have to cheat every now and then…I’ll be better tomorrow. Promise. 

Ps. I’d be so hot with fake boobs. I have no protest to getting plastic surgery. God created plastic surgeons to fix his accidents during the process. lol Plus if it makes you feel better then fuck it. Fake tatas all the way! Mine aren’t small by any means…but hey they can always use a perk up right?

i just went through what was most possibly the scariest thing that ever happened to me. i got to the camp with my friend around 2:30 yesterday, and it’s been super fun so far. we went for a nighttime walk, ate spaghetti, and videocalled sarah. i woke up this morning to take a shower, which i was actually really excited about doing. i know that’s really strange, but everyone else took a shower and was walking around with wet hair, so i wanted to too, and i like the way it feels to step out of the shower, all clean and fresh. anyways, so the actual shower went okay, but when i got out, something was weird. my hair was still sort of tangle-y and i could barely get the comb through it. after i had struggled through, a bit, i tried dunking my head under the sink, thinking that i could comb it better if it was damp. that didn’t quite help, so after trying to comb and instead losing a good 20% of my hair volume, i just decided that the conditioner must not have been washed out all the way in the shower, where the water pressure is none too strong. then after i got out i tried to comb it again. i was literally having a mini-panic attack. my hair was stringing out in ROPES and i didn’t know what to do. finally, i managed it as best i could but it looks TERRIBLE, and i have to out and see people. also, a bunch of hair is missing. i really want to cry.

Yeah so this weekend I feel like I’ve been cheating a little more then I should have but not insanely bad…just more carbs then I’m allowed to have in one meal…and sodium. Back on the wagon today—promise. So I’ve decided I LOVE this freaking oatmeal…its delicious and filling, especially when I add the ground flax into it.Today is my day off from crazy Jillian…I seriously needed a break.

Update on hair—Its not falling out AS fast as it was before BUT I’ve been scrunching it and not washing it nearly as often. Hell its summer, my hair can look like shit and they consider it bedhead and sexy. lol I notice a big difference in my hair sense starting the prenatal vitamins, flax, and biotin. Its really soft and shiny and the cuticles seem to be thicker, now if I can just keep it from falling out. I’m having Dustin run another vitamin deficiency test to see if any levels have come back up (the joy of dating a lab tech at a gigantic hospital). I’m seeing a huge trend in women who have vitamin D deficiencies and hair loss. Even friends without PCOS but lack D are going bald. SO if its still low I’ll call my doc and ask what mg to start taking. I’m very forward with my heathcare, I know I annoy the shit out of my doctor but I want to be very well informed and have all my questions answered even if I make her late. lol She never gets mad, but usually just asks to see my list of questions before I start. lol

Lastly I cannot figure out how to ask questions on peoples pages…i keep looking for the damn ask button but ITS NOT THERE….what am I doing wrong??

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania is hair loss from compulsive pulling or twisting of the hair until it breaks off.

• it is a compulsive behaviour
• may affect 4% of the population, and women are four times as likely to be affected than men
• symptoms usually begin before age 17
• the hair may come out in round patches or across the scalp
• the person may pluck other hairy areas, such as the eyebrows, eyelashes, or body hair.

These symptoms are usually seen in children:

• An uneven appearance to the hair

• Bare patches or all around (diffuse) loss of hair

• Bowel blockage (obstruction) if people eat the hair they pull out

• Constant tugging, pulling, or twisting of hair

• Denying the hair pulling

• Hair regrowth that feels like stubble in the bare spots

• Increasing sense of tension before the hair pulling

• Other self-injury behaviors

• Sense of relief, pleasure, or gratification after the hair pulling

Psychological treatment can include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and psychotropic medications. Young children tend to outgrow the behaviour.

i have to tell my friend i can’t go to the camp with her. i was upset, but it’s out of...

i have to tell my friend i can’t go to the camp with her. i was upset, but it’s out of my control now, so i’ve accepted it. i took a shower today, and as i was combing it afterwards, hair was falling out in ropes. it was terrifying. i came out of the bathroom and i guess i looked a little upset, and my mom sighed and started telling me that so many worse things could be happening to me, which i guess is true but doesn’t help. i wish she’d just leave me alone. i’m really sad right now. i hate sitting around watching my hair get thinner and not being able to do anything about it. everyone else is eating dinner, but for the first time in a while, i’m not hungry.

i’ve decided this is going to end. i made an appointment with the dermatologist, so that might help...

i’ve decided this is going to end. i made an appointment with the dermatologist, so that might help take care of my hair. i have an appointment today with my therapist, so that might help take care of my ocd. if i can resolve those two issues, my life will be peachy. i mean, it won’t be perfect, but i’ll just have to deal with all the things normal people deal with. i’m really excited, so hopefully everything will work out :) the anorexia voices are all pretty much gone. i think i’ve reached as normal as a place as i ever will. i know no one is 100% back to normal after they have an eating disorder. it’s a lifelong thing, but it’s very very manageable right now. my goal is to have everything as fixed up as possible by the beginning of the school year.

i’ve decided this is going to end. i made an appointment with the dermatologist, so that might...

i’ve decided this is going to end. i made an appointment with the dermatologist, so that might help take care of my hair. i have an appointment today with my therapist, so that might help take care of my ocd. if i can resolve those two issues, my life will be peachy. i mean, it won’t be perfect, but i’ll just have to deal with all the things normal people deal with. i’m really excited, so hopefully everything will work out :) the anorexia voices are all pretty much gone. i think i’ve reached as normal as a place as i ever will. i know no one is 100% back to normal after they have an eating disorder. it’s a lifelong thing, but it’s very very manageable right now. my goal is to have everything as fixed up as possible by the beginning of the school year.

it’s only 10 a.m. and i think this shall be a wonderful day. first of all, i talked to my...

it’s only 10 a.m. and i think this shall be a wonderful day. first of all, i talked to my boyfriend last night AND this morning, so that was nice. it turns out he was out of town, so he wasn’t on facebook a lot. basically, i realized i’m just a huge attention whore. on the other hand, i’m having a really bad hair day. by bad hair day, i don’t mean that it’s frizzy or won’t fall right or whatever, i mean that it’s rapidly getting thinner and thinner and i can’t seem to deal with it today. what’s incredibly frustrating is that my mom and dad say that it’s stopped thinning, but it really hasn’t. they told me to go to the dermatologist again if it’s really bothering me. first of all, it is bother me. A LOT. secondly, i went to the dermatologist a couple of months ago, and i completely FREAKED out and ended up crying so hard i was hyperventilating. i know it’s ridiculous, but i couldn’t calm myself down. plus, when i go, the test to see if my hair is really falling out is grabbing a chunk and yanking it. ugh, i’m getting stressed just thinking about it. to make myself feel better, i always told myself to think about the start of sophomore year, when my hair would be better and thick and shiny, just like it was before all of this started. as of now, though, it seems like it will just be even worse than it is now. no matter what i do, i can’t make it stop, and it’s driving me insane. if this doesn’t stop soon, i’m really going to lose my mind. on the up side though, i’ve been more able to control my prayer compulsions. i only said the sentence once and then i stuffed food in my mouth. for some reason, once i start eating, i don’t have to say it anymore. the hard part is stopping myself from saying it 10+ times before i actually start eating. if i get a little better at controlling my compulsions, i won’t have to take medicine! i absolutely REFUSE to take medicine. i actually have already come up with a plan to avoid taking it if it’s prescribed.