i went to target today to buy a swimsuit and sunglasses for the camp which i’m going to...

i went to target today to buy a swimsuit and sunglasses for the camp which i’m going to tomorrow, and it did not go so well. it started off with me trying on sunglasses and seeing a) my face and b) my hair in the mirror. i decided to just not get any sunglasses and skip to the swimsuits. i grabbed a few smalls and went to the dressing room to try them on. the bottoms of the first suit i tried on were too small, so i looked in the mirror to see how the top fit. i am so HUGE, really. i think it’s slowly crept up on me, but i am so massive, i don’t even know how i’m living with myself right now. i finally found a semi-okay looking swimsuit, but i’ll probably just swim in a tee shirt, because i honestly should not be displaying  my body at all. i got really frustrated and upset, because my hair is suddenly falling out in massive quantities again, and i can notice a difference in just one day, and i’m getting so fat i don’t even know where to start. ever since my eating disorder, i can’t tell when i’m hungry, so i just eat the same scheduled meals, and i’m scared that if i skip something, i’ll miss out on some nutrient or something and my hair will get worse. the texture of my hair is completely RUINED. i’m not sure if it’s from me using those harsh shampoos, or if that just happens when you lose hair, but it’s so awful, and i hate leaving the house sometimes. as we were leaving target, i was trying not to cry, and i was being kind of snappy, and my mom told me to stop being so mean because i was “disappointed in myself” and that just made me even more sad. when i got home, brooke sent me some photos and videos from when we did gymnastics together, and they were so cute, but made me so sad. i looked so happy and carefree, and i wish i could go back to that time. i don’t want to care about my hair anymore, but i want the problem to RESOLVE. i’m terrified that if i don’t care, pay attention, and take preventive measures, my hair will get worse. it’s a catch 22.